Midnight

I can’t keep holding myself together

For the sake of the way people see me

While the seams are falling apart.

So many days I feel fat

Or ugly

Slow

Stupid

Worthless

Fake

I can’t do this.

I’m so afraid of mediocrity that I’m stuck in it.

I’m so afraid of the success that I think I’ll never have.

Everyone—everyone—all around me sees this image

This hologram

Of a bright, strong, able woman:

“She can do anything.”

It’s a projection.  It’s a fake.

I don’t have it all together,

And I envy all of you who do.

I lie in bed awake, with tears running down my cheeks,

And I cycle through this list of friends and family,

Wondering who is strong enough to bear my pain,

When mine are the shoulders which have borne the pain of many.

I can’t. 

I can’t go on bearing it.

I’ll break.

I’ll break, because I am not one who bends.