I can’t keep holding myself together
For the sake of the way people see me
While the seams are falling apart.
So many days I feel fat
Or ugly
Slow
Stupid
Worthless
Fake
I can’t do this.
I’m so afraid of mediocrity that I’m stuck in it.
I’m so afraid of the success that I think I’ll never have.
Everyone—everyone—all around me sees this image
This hologram
Of a bright, strong, able woman:
“She can do anything.”
It’s a projection. It’s a fake.
I don’t have it all together,
And I envy all of you who do.
I lie in bed awake, with tears running down my cheeks,
And I cycle through this list of friends and family,
Wondering who is strong enough to bear my pain,
When mine are the shoulders which have borne the pain of many.
I can’t.
I can’t go on bearing it.
I’ll break.
I’ll break, because I am not one who bends.
